A Disturbance in the Force

A SATIRE [1]

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We regret to inform the peoples of the Earth that there has been a disturbance in the Force. Events unforeseen have occurred which have caused immediate and irrevocable damage to the Almighty. The Ad Hoc Throne Committee has completed an initial survey of the disaster and reports that God’s attributes have sustained significant injury to His Being.

On the positive side, we report the following attributes of God appear to be intact: Eternal, Righteousness, Faithfulness, Goodness, Mercy, Justice, Love, Holiness and Incomprehensibility. On the negative side, we have located a power failure in the following Almighty attribute grids: Omnipotence, Immutability, Omniscience, and Omnipresence. Truth and Grace are in the workshop in an attempt to salvage some aspects of these attributes.

In short, the Almighty God the Father has sustained irreversible damage during a critical phase on Earth known as the Latter Days. The Alpha and the Omega has been abridged to lower-level functioning as Alpha and the Omicron. Due to this emergency, a Strategic Planning Committee has been set up to conduct trouble-shooting, engage in long-range planning, and launch a transformational initiative upon planet Earth to ensure the Almighty’s Plan for the Last Days is fulfilled according to His timetable. We acknowledge that this timetable has been kept a secret, and that given the damage done to Omniscience we are collaborating with the heavenly angels, the 4 beasts, and the 24 elders who are before the throne in an attempt to piece together this chronology. We ask your forbearance as we engage in this phase of sustained reconstruction.

Due to the severe nature of this unprecedented attack, we have moved the Son and the Holy Spirit to an undisclosed location. Although Omnipotence was quite damaged, we have managed to pull together some pivotal experiences for key Christian leaders which should accomplish the fulfillment of the Great Commission. (Pay no attention to that man behind the screen.)

To meet the needs of the body of Christ on Earth, particularly regarding the missing attribute Omnipresence, we have instituted production quotas via a computer simulation which will assist the organizational development of transformative innovation. Change can be difficult. Special forces and enhanced capabilities will ensure that coalition strength is maintained throughout this difficult transition. Collaboration is key to the success of this effort.

Should you need further assistance with the fulfillment of your prayer requests and petitions, we refer you to the World Prayer Collection Archive where each and every prayer request is databanked pending the Almighty’s future recovery.

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Our most recent records indicate that there has been a corresponding disturbance in the Force which has profoundly damaged the Church on planet Earth. We request immediate corrective steps be taken to compensate. Beware: traditional methods of operation have been highly counterproductive to the achievement of future goals. Changes must be implemented immediately. Souls are being lost!

Our surveys have found a disturbing depletion of the following “fruits of the Spirit”: peace, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness and temperance. The Committee has been working overtime and has now discovered a method of manufacturing fruits. Orders will be filled shortly.

Love, joy, goodness and faith appear to be slightly altered, but primarily intact. In the meantime, we have issued ration tickets for these fruits pending a comprehensive assessment of their effectiveness.

Finally, it is requested by our Strategic Planning Committee that all references to the “works of the flesh” be immediately omitted from future sermons, as these are apparently creating some cosmic disturbances. Additional instructions will be forthcoming.

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We have completed our damage assessment.

Effective immediately new standards have been issued for personal living. These standards have been significantly revised for the sake of clarity and uniformity. Old standards can be discarded, as they are considered obsolete. Due to concerns about potential local disruptions, the Revised Standards for Personal Living comes in the same packaging as the old, which should ensure that the replacement process will go more smoothly. Your personal copy of this document will be issued shortly.

As an additional precaution, we have located several facets of the missing attributes of Vengeance and Judgment and will immediately make them available to maintain the civic order while these standards are being instituted. Each allotment of these attributes will be doled out to Earth Leadership who fit the following criteria: 1) successful completion of the accredited leadership training course through the Global Shepherds Network, or 2) special anointing as Apostle or Prophet. There appear to be some slight irregularities with Mercy, but we believe that compensatory steps can be taken to overcome this lack.

Also, on a related note, we have received numerous complaints about the unreliability of the old system of communications, so a new and better replacement has been invented. Each morning a personally edifying ourascope (heavenly report) will be issued through instant text-messaging to Earth Leadership. No more uncertainties and vagaries about heavenly intentions! No more difficulties divining the heavenly Will.

Prophets, please make sure that your group receptors are set on “high.” Thank you for your cooperation.

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A glitch in our mainframe hard drive indicates that at some point in the history of mankind a worm virus entered the operating system. Both the Old and New Covenants appear to have been compromised. The source for this infection is still being investigated.

Given the on-going, unresolved difficulties in the Omniscience power grid, we have rushed to establish a temporary covenant collection site. A special archive for signatures has been set up at hhh.signupnow.com. Various menu options are available to accommodate denominational preferences.

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Effective immediately there is an “open heaven” of response to fervent, united prayers of the people, a keen sense of divine favor. Due to these providential circumstances, we now have a working definition of “transformation,” and a conviction about the new ecclesiology of the “city church.”

Transformation – the measurable supernatural impact of the presence and power of God on human society, sacred and secular. In the church, this is characterized by increased holiness of life, accelerated conversion growth, reconciliation in relationships, mobilization of gifts and callings, and an increased relevance to and participation in greater society. In the culture, this may be characterized by pervasive awareness of the reality of God, a radical correction of social ills, a commensurate decrease in crime rates (evidence of authentic biblical justice, as described in Isaiah 58), supernatural blessing on local commerce, healing of the brokenhearted (the alienated and disenfranchised), and an exporting of kingdom righteousness. To this end, a catalytic core of saints typically embrace a lifestyle of persistent repentance, humility, prayer and sacrificial servanthood that attracts the favor and presence of God, and breaks the predominating influences of the ruling power structures of human flesh and the devil.

Emergence of the “City Church” – Clearly, the Holy Spirit is initiating an historic restoration of the geographic integrity and responsibility of the one Body of Christ in a city or region, calling leaders to walk together in the spirit of the Great Commandment, and work together to more effectively fulfill Jesus’ Great Commission. God is calling leaders to embrace a shared and sustainable vision to faithfully shepherd and disciple the collective souls of a city.

This restoration requires a holy dissatisfaction with the status quo, a hunger to see Jesus’ prayer of John 17:21-23 fulfilled, and leaders who are bold enough to begin to “paint outside the box” of existing ecclesiologies.[2]

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Post-crisis teams have been working on an innovative model to re-create the presence of the Lamb before the Throne. The results have been quite spectacular.

We hereby formally announce the presence of a new Lamb in Heaven which matches the description of the Lamb in Revelations chapter 5. After full consideration of the meaning of these verses, our crisis team determined that it was important to illuminate the qualities of the Lion as described in verse 5. Every effort was taken to achieve the full effect of the Lion in Lamb’s garb, including the snowy white wool coat. Because we are rapidly approaching the Latter Days, the crisis team has chosen to emphasize the distinctive leonine attribute of roaring.

A corresponding emphasis on the positive attributes of Sheep will be upheld in the Body to ensure future compatibility for the Lamb’s upcoming marriage. Because the Holy Spirit is currently inaccessible, we have engaged special task forces on Earth who will begin to perfect the Bride. Special criteria to designate what is clean, white and wooly have been developed and will be globally enforced.

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Our angels are presently sharpening their sickles for the final Harvest.

Due to unforeseen mechanical difficulties with the transporters, our angels are unable to wield their sickles upon Earth at this time. In order to fulfill the quotas for the final Harvest, Prophets and Apostles are to begin whetting their swords and sharpening their sickles.

Ongoing data transmission errors have obliterated the criteria for determining the difference between wheat and tares. Immediate preparations must be taken to devise valid sorting instruments on Earth. Prophets and Apostles are requested to begin assessing grain at once.

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