A Satire: How Acts 17:16-33 might be re-written today
16 Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry.
17 Therefore he strove to reach consensus with other religions, and found common ground with the devout persons, and collaborated daily in the marketplace with those businessmen and government officials with whom he met.
18 Then certain New Age philosophers encountered him. And some said, What will this babbler say? Other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods: because he preached unto them a Jesus, which was freely interchanged with the names of pagan deities, and spoke little of the resurrection.
19 And they took him, and brought him unto Areopagus, saying, May we know what this new doctrine, whereof thou speakest, is?
20 For thou bringest certain strange things to our ears: we would know therefore what these things mean.
21 (For all the Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear some new thing.)
22 Then Paul stood in the midst of Mars hill, and said, Ye men of Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are wonderfully superstitious.
23 For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found altars to the gods of Prosperity, Purpose, Passion and Pragmatism. These whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, these declare I unto you.
24 A God that hath created perpetual change and all evolutionary futures therein, seeing that he is Change Agent to transform heaven and earth, dwelling in elaborate temples made with human hands
25 Neither is worshipped without a coherent vision that seamlessly weaves together truth-claims from such fields as physics and biology; the eco-sciences; chaos theory and the systems sciences; medicine, neurophysiology, biochemistry; art, poetry, and aesthetics in general; developmental psychology and a spectrum of psychotherapeutic endeavors, from Freud to Jung to Kegan; the great spiritual theorists from Plato and Plotinus in the West to Shankara and Nagarjuna in the East; the modernists from Descartes and Locke to Kant; the Idealists from Schelling to Hegel; the postmodernists from Foucault and Derrida to Taylor and Habermas; the major hermeneutic tradition, Dilthey to Heidegger to Gadamer; the social systems theorists from Comte and Marx to Parsons and Luhmann; the contemplative and mystical schools of the great meditative traditions, East and West, in the world’s major religious traditions. [adapted from Jack Crittenden’s foreword to one of Ken Wilber’s books http://www.integralinstitute.org/public/static/WhatIsIntegral.pdf and linked to from http://www.integralinstitute.org/public/static/abthistory.aspx]
26 And hath made all nations of men to be gods to perfect the face of the earth; and hath determined now is the time to build the kingdom of God on earth, before appointed dominion and the bounds of its habitation.
27 That they should seek other gods if haply they might feel good about themselves after them, and find themselves through alternative spiritual pathways.
28 For in marketing we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of other psycho-management techniques have also been our offspring.
29 Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of the merchandising, we ought to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by an art and man’s device.
30 And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now heartily agrees with, commanding all men everywhere to get on board this new thing:
31 Because he hath appointed a day, in which a great outpouring of financial blessings will rule the world by that man whom he hath ordained; whereof he hath given assurance unto all men, in that they will bypass Judgment Day.
32 And then they heard of the bypassing of Judgment Day, they rejoiced as co-creators and said, We will hear thee again of this matter.
33 So Paul sold books among them.
The Truth:
16Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry. 17Therefore disputed he in the synagogue with the Jews, and with the devout persons, and in the market daily with them that met with him. 18Then certain philosophers of the Epicureans, and of the Stoicks, encountered him. And some said, What will this babbler say? other some, He seemeth to be a setter forth of strange gods: because he preached unto them Jesus, and the resurrection. 19And they took him, and brought him unto Areopagus, saying, May we know what this new doctrine, whereof thou speakest, is? 20For thou bringest certain strange things to our ears: we would know therefore what these things mean. 21(For all the Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear some new thing.)
22Then Paul stood in the midst of Mars’ hill, and said, Ye men of Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious. 23For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you. 24God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; 25Neither is worshipped with men’s hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; 26And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; 27That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us: 28For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. 29Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man’s device. 30And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: 31Because he hath appointed a day, in the which he will judge the world in righteousness by that man whom he hath ordained; whereof he hath given assurance unto all men, in that he hath raised him from the dead.
32And when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked: and others said, We will hear thee again of this matter. 33So Paul departed from among them.
Copyright 2006 Discernment Research Group